> ‘I Did Not Have Sex With Katy Perry’” href=”http://www.thesuperficial.com/tim-tebow-katy-perry-02-2012″>View the Gallery / 13 Photos »Did Katy Get Tebowed?Blessed Art The Tebow, For He Shall Inherit The Boobs Read More »
For the past few weeks, rumors have been flying that Katy Perry finally taught Tim Tebow the breast is truly mightier than the Jesus sword that gets saved until marriage and presumably only used once. Rumors that were stoked even more when Katy made two shout outs to Tim over Super Bowl weekend. Jump to yesterday, when a group of dyslexic children demanded he regale them with tales of tittery so they have a legitimate reason to succeed in sports. E! News reports:
Tebow met with 100 kids at the Challengers Boys & Girls Club in south Los Angeles today, promoting books and reading, along with sharing his struggle with dyslexia since he was a kid. All very sweet, we know. But when it came to the question-and-answer portion, one little fan got straight to the point and asked if he “has a thing” with the pop singer. Oooooh! Tebow laughed and assured all his young and inquisitive friends that he does not, and we wouldn’t like to think that he lies to kids.
I’d like to think Tim Tebow wouldn’t lie to dyslexic kids either, but let’s not pretend he didn’t at least tell some of them that the ghost of a 2,000 year old hippie enters his heart and fills him with a special magic that makes him really awesome at football so the ghost can then enter other people’s hearts until he eventually assumes a physical form and blows up the planet. That said, telling them he gave a consenting adult a special hug would’ve probably been way worse. Those kids would never be the same.
Here’s Christina Hendricks at the premiere of I Don’t Know How She Does It last night where I’m assuming her massive translucent breast-orbs stole the spotlight from the star of the movie Sarah Jessica Parker. “Like a gotdamn titty mountain up in here,” mavens of high society were overheard saying followed by hushed whispers of a tiny horse-woman skulking about. “I heard its hooves can read men’s minds- Is that a bag of oats?!”
> View the Gallery / 10 Photos »Who’s Her Daddy?Like You Don’t Know. Read More »
Yesterday, we found out that Robert Kardashian supposedly told two of his ex-wives that Khloe isn’t his biological daughter and was the result of Kris Jenner cheating on him with, I dunno, let’s say a wooly mammoth. Since then everyone in the Kardashian family has given purposefully vague denials (Here and here.) to keep this story going because you know what no one’s talking about? That time Kim faked a wedding for an $18 million payout because she’s a moustachioed whore-machine. Anyway, E! News – who doesn’t at all have an entire pack of dogs in this race – is citing an old legal document of Robert Kardashian’s as proof that Khlo-bacca is his biological daughter:
In a sworn declaration included with Robert Kardashian’s petition to annul his marriage to second wife Jan Ashley after five months, the famed criminal lawyer stated under oath that he had “four biological children.” … Acknowledging that he had broken the terms of the agreement he and Ashley had upon tying the knot—they planned to have a child, then he changed his mind—Kardashian noted: “I decided that since I already had four biological children, I did not wish to have any more.”
Keep in mind, this is a man (who already has kids, I should add) trying to get out of having a baby which is a dark hole of terror where men will literally say or do anything to escape. Not even joking, I’d chew a fucking limb off. So to cite that as proof that Khloe is one of these “four biological children” is tenuous at best. Robert Kardashian would’ve said his cock shoots yellow-cake uranium if he had to. On that note, after the jump is a video from an old 2009 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians where they literally try to put the rumors that Khloe’s a bastard to rest by – wait for it – comparing her DNA to just Kris Jenner’s. You’d almost think this was a family who didn’t watch their gravy train help O.J. get away with murder.
Normally on this site, LeAnn Rimes wearing a bikini would be the big lead, except she apparently lives in them now, so let’s focus on the truly astonishing event happening before our eyes. Namely LeAnn Rimes placing food into her mouth, chewing and unless she’s a goddamn purging ninja with that drink menu, swallowing. I’m not even joking when I say it’d be easier to find Bigfoot than capture what just happened here this day. I’m speechless.
[Ed. Note: This has to be the most awkward set of file photos to be released in the wake of Whitney's death, so of course we ran them. In a way, it's what Whitney would've wanted. Mostly because she drank a lot. - SW]
Despite early reports suggesting an accidental drowning, TMZ reports Whitney Houston‘s family have been officially informed the cause of death is drug and alcohol related which, let’s be honest, probably isn’t going to cause any of them to clutch their pearls except maybe Dionne who should’ve seen it coming:
Whitney Houston’s family was told by L.A. County Coroner officials … the singer did not die from drowning, but rather from what appears to be a combination of Xanax and other prescription drugs mixed with alcohol … this according to family sources. We’re told Coroner’s officials informed the family there was not enough water in Whitney’s lungs to lead to the conclusion that she drowned. Our sources say the family was told Whitney may well have died before her head became submerged.
So now that drowning’s been ruled out, I guess we can let Aquaman off the hook even though he’s still a gill-faced junkie whose half-porpoise son cries each night for a father that’s never home. In the meantime, probably my favorite Whitney story of the past 24 hours, has to be LA Times reporter Gerrick Kennedy who went on TODAY this morning and tried to act like he noticed something “off” about Whitney hours before her death. Via Mediaite:
Kennedy reported that, “though Houston greeted people with a warm smile, she appeared disheveled in mismatched clothes and hair that was dripping wet with either sweat or water. The visibly bloated singer displayed erratic behavior throughout the afternoon — flailing her hands frenetically as she spoke to Brandy and Monica, skipping around the ballroom in a child-like fashion and wandering aimlessly about the lobby. It was mentioned by a Grammy staffer that security personnel received calls of the singer doing handstands by the pool. After leaving rehearsals, Houston returned to the ballroom — with her teenage daughter Bobbi Kristina in tow — as camera crews set up for interviews. The singer smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. A Grammy staffer said that during the interviews with Brandy, Monica and Clive, Houston was dancing just off camera to make the singers and Davis laugh. Grammy personnel expressed concern that she’d be caught on camera, and that reporters would write about her behavior.
So basically this guy saw Whitney Houston acting exactly like Whitney Houston hours before her death and that passes for dramatic insight on morning television? Jesus. I get that audience has a median age of 63, but I’m pretty sure most of them already suspected drugs because old people are notoriously racist. But in a cute, hilarious way, so go easy on them.
Whitney Houston: The Last Photos Before Her Death33Photos»
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married practically yesterday, but already numerous tabloids are reporting/reprinting press releases from Kris Jenner that it’s not working out because of Kim’s schedule. And just last night Kris was spotted not wearing his wedding ring which might mean something if the entire marriage was real from the start and not at all a giant cash-grab to sell a wedding special to E! and photos to People magazine. And before you go, “Wow, isn’t it a little early to start the divorce storyline?” keep in mind the producers are one step ahead of you:
WRITERS: Isn’t it a little early to start the divorce storyline? PRODUCERS: Take a look at this memo and tell me who it says the target demographic for this show is. WRITERS: *reads* Fucking morons. PRODUCERS: Fucking morons. WRITERS: We’ll have it to you by noon.
Since everyone who loves breasts was treated to two of Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s, it’s only fair that I double-up on the shirtless Superman action with a little Joe Manganiello who’s out there using his new single status to plow his way through America. And where is the Skarsgard? He’s at home– washing his tights! AHAHAHA! Bob?
NOTE: This was supposed to be Prince‘s Partyman from the Batman soundtrack but apparently he’s still deathly afraid of the Internet touching his music and infecting his brain with ones and zeroes. He’s seen The Matrix.
Oh, good, Skinny Jonah Hill plays sports now. Wonderful, science. Just wonderful.
Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed featuring an assortment of photos that are almost entirely Emmys-free save for a couple post-show shots and Julie Bowen realizing ABC rigged hers to emit intense heat should she go to a competitor’s after-party. They have trust issues which, speaking of, welcome to the exact moment all three of Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s pre-selected engagement rings fell down a sewer grate. She hasn’t eaten in twenty minutes.
Someone got a sneak peak of the Justin Timberlake wiener photos,
I often tell myself you can’t just sit down and write a book. I should stop doing that.
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Rihanna and Jessie J demonstrating they have the same choreographer (and/or spandex allergy), Obama realizing Bill Clinton was right, these conferences do bring the bitches, Rebecca Gayheart moving in for the kill, a Busy Phillips panty flash and proof that you can find true love in Hollywood, it just takes a shit-ton of heroin and sexual addiction.
Proving that the best shots of her are in washed-out black and white with her boobs out, here’s Lindsay Lohan at the New York Fashion Week amFAR Gala last night because apparently Courtney Love wasn’t available as a visual aid this time, so they went with the next best thing.
DINA: Great news, honey. Courtney Love couldn’t make amFAR New York so they needed someone who looks like a horrible disease is eating them alive from the inside. And they chose you! LINDSAY: Yes! Does this mean I can stop hooking? DINA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Wait, you’re actually serious. *pimp-slaps Lindsay* How many times I gots to tell you? Dina’s hos don’t evah talk about quittin’ them tricks. Tell her, Ali. ALI: Dina’s hos don’t talk about quittin’ them tricks.
Instagram Has A Coke Bloat Filter. Who Knew?17Photos»
View the Gallery / 13 Photos »Did Katy Get Tebowed?
Blessed Art The Tebow, For He Shall Inherit The Boobs Read More »
33Photos»
View the Gallery / 10 Photos »Who’s Her Daddy?
Like You Don’t Know. Read More »
View the Gallery / 40 Photos »
40Photos»
View the Gallery / 34 Photos »
33Photos»
View the Gallery / 24 Photos »
17Photos»
